We were sitting on my bed (again). Having just spent the day together, we were now tired and indecisive, but that was probably me more than her. This was the first day after she had “come around”, June 2016. We sat there and talked, of things I either do not recollect or those that had no real relevance. But of the events that followed, I have vivid mental and visual recollection of this one in particular. At face value, it was no more significant than most other things we’d spoken about that day and yet, I caught myself pondering over it today.

“I’m taking a vacation of sorts, I’m putting aside anything I’d usually find important until the 20th.” I said, with some pride, but I wasn’t really paying attention. “I can do whatever the fuck I want to do.”

“Fuck me then.” was all she replied, silently, almost as if gauging my response.

I looked up immediately, frowning a little, uncertain of what her sudden spurt of confidence meant. She was staring straight at me, with a look serious enough to break up with me all over again. Still unsure, I started, “But…”. I never finished that sentence, our gazes were locked and my mind had reached someplace else. I thought of the early days, when being in her general proximity was still new and delicate, then after, when that proximity progressively increased, then of the day haste caused her to have a meltdown I couldn’t handle and finally of the first day we comfortably slept together for a few hours. I was still looking at her though, wondering to myself where all of that had gone. What had once been so delicate, yet deliberate, now had its order reversed. The deliberation came easy and the delicateness tagged along, unwillingly. Whilst I spent the next few seconds peering into her eyes, I noticed that there was nothing about them that I could recognize, they were just a pair of black eyeballs staring back. That hit me hard. I desperately tried to look for something familiar in them but there wasn’t anything to find. Disappointment and dread filled me but my facial expression remained unchanged. Very unceremoniously, the loose hope I’d had of reconciliation with her had, at that point, been pulled from right under my feet.

All of this happened very quickly, within the minute in fact. I was still completely bamboozled by the situation, so I proceeded to do what a normal boy would. I grinned and said, “Sure, I’ll do that. Next week.” The tension in her face released and she sensed nothing amiss. It had worked. This wasn’t a happy ending though, as much as I wish it was and as much as it sounds as one. In the deepest reaches of my brain and heart, it feels tragic, much like most other things that happened around this time but I know better than to open that can of worms.