This post is about a relationship. Not entirely mine though, so that’s a good change of pace, right?

Today would have officially been our four year anniversary. I want to say that I’m completely immune to that knowledge but I’d be lying. I was thinking about it, unabashed. As I did, I found myself fixate upon the fact that it there’s someone else now. Some other person she calls every day, tells everything to, even been in bed with. I was that person for a long time so I can’t help but feel a twinge of resentment towards her and by extension, that other guy. It’s like something I’d had was forcefully wrestled from my grasp.

I struggle to accept this. It was barely a year ago that I was be able to talk to her, no diplomacy required. All the calculation and meticulousness that I need to keep in mind just to achieve basic conversation now seems pointless, wasted effort even. So my natural instinct when I think of this glaring contrast between a year ago and now is to say, what the actual fuck? You could probably forgive me for being so incredibly vague. But vague was the crossover point between when our relationship existed and didn’t too.

Regardless of that, I just think it’s a little funny how all the important dates in the relationship magically cease to exist. We’d actually have been eating pizza now, had we actually cared about today. I wouldn’t be typing this at home and she wouldn’t be telling her new guy how much she loves him. I’m angry now, only to a reasonable extent I would hope. This anger mostly stems from my knowledge that every single time that I type a new post on this blog, she’s elsewhere working on bringing her relationship with this guy to the level she and I had already established years prior.

Full disclosure, I know little about this guy she’s with right now. Whatever I do though, is incredibly revolting to me. He’s a smoker. He’s had a nasty bout with drugs. I have a low ceiling for this kind of bullshit personally and about the only other person who always felt the same way was no other than Fran. Someone smoking in her immediate vicinity? She’d move a fair distance from them and express discomfort. She had a greater aversion to smokers than I did, which is saying something because thanks to my father, I’d been a victim of passive smoking far longer than her. So why, Fran? Is it because he claims to do it in moderation or because he doesn’t do it when you’re around? Why the hypocrisy? Continuing with the theme, she generally disliked the little rock music I listened to, even proportional to how ‘noisy’ it was. And thus, most of her music comprised of tracks from the 80s or pop/country. In spite of this, when someone asked what her music taste was a month into her new relationship, she mentioned - much to my utter mental surprise - some goth rock band that I’d never even heard of. Heck, she couldn’t even pronounce the damn name properly herself. Took her a couple of tries. Yet another day, she came from someplace else dressed in black with dark makeup, the goth undertones were about as obvious as they could be. Is she doing these things to deliberately be someone she wasn’t, to spite me or please this guy as much as she can? I have no idea. I likely will never know.

What the actual fuck?

You’d definitely be tempted to ask me why I care so much. If the situation is as dire (or the opposite) as I make it to be, it isn’t my life to worry about. While you’re somewhat right and I agree, part of our relationship had us make decisions together, important ones even and all the ones on her own accord has left me scratching my head. For possibly the first time ever, I don’t know what she’s thinking and it sometimes drives me up the wall.

Sigh. All I wanted was a proper relationship where I didn’t have to think about shit like this.